‘Life’ – the word makes me nauseous. Rewinding the last 10 years feels like walking through the mountains of dumpyard. I am not talking about the people and events in my life. I am talking about journey of my evolution.
‘Wrong choices’, that would be title for the first part of the last decade. I was a fat girl trying to fit into a small dress. Everything I did only caused me suffocation. Now when I look back, I always had the opportunity to choose a different life. I don’t think I had the confidence. I don’t think I had the commitment. I was all words and no action. My dreams were big and I lived in dreams mostly. I wanted everything but I didn’t have the intrepidity. I sat in my comfortable couch that is life and waited for everything to be served in a silver platter.
I sat infornt of books and dreamt about learning it all. I sat in the exam hall and believed the answer would come to me. After all, my horoscope said I am the luckiest person in the world whoes fortune and fame will come knocking. I am not like these commen creatures; Ordinary ways of ordinary people – I thought. I told the universe I am waiting for it to bring me everything. Arrogance. Laziness. Poor choices.
Second part of the last decade will be titled ‘Excuses’. Nobody has achieved anything with everything working smoothly in life. At every point in life, there will be crisis. Life is a rough sea and the target is to sail through it. There will be choas at every turn. There will be ups and downs, twists and turns. Blaming others for my failure to conquer something is unscrupulous. Finding ways to thrive through it is something I should have done.
Today, I sit at my home with my beautiful sons and husband. In the most blessed phase of my life with the best anyone can wish for. Yet I still look at the chaos as an excuse. ‘My son is clingy’, ‘I don’t get to go for movies’, ‘I don’t get time for myself’, ‘I want a break’, the complaints are endless. It is sad to realise how long it took me to understand that one can only thrive along with choas. It is silly to get frustrated with my crying son. It is silly to blame my failures on the monotonous nature of household chores.
It is just life. When you live you have to take care of your son, your dog, your husband, and your house. You have to cook. You have do laundry. You have to coexist with other. What is life without any of it! If you want to do more, you just have to do more along with all of this. It is not painful. It is beautiful. It is the beauty that we fail to see. You sail through this rough tide. You soak in the waves. You take it in the most graceful way possible and that is the only way to go about it.
Peaks of Cheeks 
2 responses to “Reflection”
I’m sorry you feel as if you’re suffocating, Cheeks. On the other side of the same coin, it sounds like you’re taking a Stoic approach, knowing you’ll come out the other side, better grounded. No matter what, it’s good to see you posting again. Wishing you peace!
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Everything is hard and painful when we look through those lenses. Sometimes pain is an excuse to get out of the failures in life. I realise I can look at my son and say how he doesn’t let me do anything or I can look at him and soak up the beauty of his trust in me.
Each and everyone of us are living a story and in our story we are always the hero. Sometimes we tend to twist our stories in the head to make us ‘warrior’ or ‘fighter’. But in reality maybe we are just one lazy couch potato.😆
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