Difficulty in Living

Credit: kelogsloops

As many of you know, neither did I have a pleasant childhood nor am I having a pleasant adulthood. Even while keeping external factors aside, I was too matured for my childhood and feel too tired for my adulthood. I am pretty happy with one segment of my life – my life with my partner, but everything else is very complicated.

In my childhood, when life got very difficult to cope with, I developed a technique to deal with it. Initially, I used to close my eyes and pray that I get teleported to some place else, like Hobbiton or to the world of Da Vinci or somewhere else which fancied me then. Later when I realized I might never get teleported, I started using the power of my imagination. I made up everything around me like the place I wanted to be in, including people. I used to live in the imaginations to the extent that one day I realized that I forgot my mother’s face. I did all my daily chores and works in my imaginary world, and suddenly it did not feel very difficult.

This kept happening for years and I was able to quickly switch to and from these imaginary world until one day I did not want to anymore. I started yearning for the imaginary world and did not want to live in the present world. That’s when I realized I need to snap out of it and stop being a coward. Since then it has been a constant struggle. Now when I am dull or bored, I listen to a couple of songs and swim through all the imaginary world in my head, and I move on with my life when I pull out those earphones from my ear.

Unfortunately something started happening since yesterday. I have started zoning out to my imaginary worlds while I am talking to others or while I am working. I think it has to do with my reluctance to accept the reality and a fear of failure. But today I have decided to stop being so scared of my realities and tackle everything that comes in my way.

Some of you might think that I am truly fucked up (pardon my language!). But the truth is everything that has happened to me has only made me the strongest person I have ever come across. I know I have slipped more than I picked myself up but as long as I keep picking myself up, I do not care about the slips.

On a completely different note, I have three more plants in my balcony now. Yay!

In Search of Inspiration

As you may know, I have taken a new path in my life, I haven’t quite figured it yet, but I am in need of an inspiration. I am trying to do a lot of fun things such as painting, writing, watching series, watching cloud etc. A few days ago, I came across a series called ‘Grace and Frankie’. I must say, I am loving it! I am especially in love with Frankie as she is a fun, loving, hopeful and creative person. She is weird but soulful – a unique character indeed.

While on the topic of Frankie, I have been wanting to open myself to new experiences and experiments. But I do not know where and how to begin. It is very confusing for me. I need to find something in which I can actually be with human beings. I need some social circle which I sadly do not have as of now. What is open these days? What is safe? I do not know and I have no clue how to find it out as well.

Moving to the serious matter of finding a job, I have only applied for one job so far as my partner suggested that I needed to calm down and stop panicking. Now I am too calm and borderline lazy. So my job hunt is clinging on a cliff. I must tell you, this uncertainty is a funny experience. It makes my nerves tingle. But it is okay, one step at a time!

Talking of new beginnings, I am very excited about the new hashtag setting in WordPress. Initially I thought it was just a funny way of writing but I have come to realize it is some sort of a trend tagging mechanism. I did try using it previously, taking inspiration from a fellow blogger, but clearly I did not understand its purpose. Anyway I discovered now that using this hashtag I can read more varieties of articles. #Fun! ‘Wink’ ‘wink’ you see what I did there?

I hope everyone is safe. Keep smiling!

Grace and Frankie

I am back

If you are a follower of my blog, you know I have been away for my exam. Finally I have gotten over the huge chaos; many dramatic incidents and emotional roller coasters, but I have managed to survive.

Drama two weeks before exam:

Two weeks before the exam, a land deal which was lying in limbo for the past eight months became active and the buyer immediately wanted to register the property. My to-be father-in-law, who is 75, had to travel a long way in a car along with my to-be brother-in-law for the registration. A lot of calls and negotiations later the registration finally took place. The entire process took up close to a week and I had to wake up early and take care of them for the entire duration.

The week after they left, I was going through a bad meltdown as my scores were getting worse and my energy drained out. But all thanks to my partner, I persisted. If not for him, I wouldn’t have had the courage to write the exam.

Day of exam:

The first part of the exam was from 09:30 to 11:30. For the first time I managed to read through the questions thrice and still had a good 5 minutes for rechecking before the exam ended. By the time I was out of the exam hall I had confidence in me and my effort.

The second paper was from 14:30 to 16:30. It was unusually tough for me and I barely managed to finish it. I was not sure how it went. I had belief in me and I was ready to face anything.

Later that day, the answer keys were released. My partner and I started checking our scores. We checked mine first and it turned out that I did not get through. Then we checked his score. He has a score which puts him on the borderline. Based on others’ performance he may or may not get through.

I was supposed to be sad but I was too happy about the possibility of him progressing to the next stage of the exam. I was caught up in deciding what needs to be done for his next level of preparation. Honestly, I felt relieved that I do not have to go through the pain of preparation again and I can move on with life.

Days after exam:

I had too many chores to finish after exam. Cleaning the house, doing three loads of laundry, buying groceries, catching up with people I have been ignoring during the exam etc. Finally, today I managed to relax and enjoy.

I was hoping to have a clean, fresh start in life with a new perspective but honestly, I do not feel any different. Everything is the same. May be it is just about constantly working on myself and adapting; adjusting and creating things differently with the reality we live in. The painting is half way through and now it is about how I improvise and finish it.

I have missed reading all of your blogs and I am extremely excited about my new journey to the place I do not know yet. LOL!

Photos from my day out post exam:

Keep smiling and stay safe.

#Exam Day – 10 Miles to go before I sleep

Source: Pinterest

I know I haven’t written anything or read any blog in a long time but it is a conscious choice I have taken in order to concentrate more on the preparation for my exam. I don’t want to write for the sake of writing. I want to experience and savor the joy of doing it.

Less than two weeks left for the judgement day. I am exhausted. As everyday passes by, I feel my energy and motivation is getting drained off. But I have to find a way to keep up. Even if I fail, I need to fail with pride. Hoping to come out of this stronger and better.

While I am on this tough path, let me share a poem with you – ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening’ by Robert Frost.

Whose woods these are I think I know.   
His house is in the village though;   
He will not see me stopping here   
To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   
To stop without a farmhouse near   
Between the woods and frozen lake   
The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   
To ask if there is some mistake.   
The only other sound’s the sweep   
Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   
But I have promises to keep,   
And miles to go before I sleep,   
And miles to go before I sleep.

Take care everyone. Keep Smiling!

Source: Pinterest

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods

I am feeling extremely sad today.

I am sharing a poem with everyone. It is a part from ‘Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage’ written by Lord Bryon . It has made me feel a little better. I hope you fall in love with it.

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
   There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
   There is society where none intrudes,
   By the deep Sea, and music in its roar:
   I love not Man the less, but Nature more,
   From these our interviews, in which I steal
   From all I may be, or have been before,
   To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.

   Roll on, thou deep and dark blue Ocean–roll!
   Ten thousand fleets sweep over thee in vain;
   Man marks the earth with ruin–his control
   Stops with the shore;–upon the watery plain
   The wrecks are all thy deed, nor doth remain
   A shadow of man’s ravage, save his own,
   When for a moment, like a drop of rain,
   He sinks into thy depths with bubbling groan,
Without a grave, unknelled, uncoffined, and unknown.

   His steps are not upon thy paths,–thy fields
   Are not a spoil for him,–thou dost arise
   And shake him from thee; the vile strength he wields
   For earth’s destruction thou dost all despise,
   Spurning him from thy bosom to the skies,
   And send’st him, shivering in thy playful spray
   And howling, to his gods, where haply lies
   His petty hope in some near port or bay,
And dashest him again to earth: —there let him lay.

#Exam Day – 23

I have been wanting to write about a lot of things – the interesting lady I met, social pressure during COVID, declining health of my new plant, the poem – The Road Not Taken, etc. But exam pressure has kept me away from writing. I am hoping to get back to it as soon the exam is over.

After a long preparation with lots of hope and confidence I took a mock test yesterday. I was not even close to the average cutoff mark. It was very painful to accept the reality. My partner on the other hand has scored reasonably well. I know I was supposed to feel happy for him but I was caught up in my own sadness.

I am not letting it affect me. I am going to continue taking a lot more tests even it I get negative scores. It is, after all, only an examination. I will try my best and let time take me where I am destined. Moving on with Stoic attitude. Thanks to Schingle, a fellow blogger, for introducing me to stoicism.

3 more weeks to go! Breath in.. breath out..

Source: Pinterest

Finally!

I have been wanting to start my own small garden in the balcony for a very long time now. I kept putting it off for one or the other reason. The other day when we visited my partner’s close friend, they gifted me with two jasmine saplings. I knew then it was time for me to start.

Today I got a few essentials for gardening – pots, soil and tools, and a basil sapling for starting my new project. It feels amazing. I have three babies now. My partner would disagree as he thinks I have four babies including him as he considers himself to be one.

I must mention. The exceptional gardeners in my blogging circle were also a big inspiration. Thank you all!

#Exam Day – 31

Today is the day my migraine decided to torture me again. I have been eating take-out food a lot since I am preparing for the examination. Unfortunately, the food is not agreeing with me. I have to find a solution for that now.

Post lunch, we rearranged the furniture to make it a comfortable studying place for us. I really hope it doesn’t turn out so comfortable that it becomes our entertainment corner. I have taken my chair next to the window to ensure I get enough sunlight. My partner politely agreed to give me the spot as he considers it to be a pressure cooker during the hot afternoons.

On a different note, yesterday evening we got a new interface for my partner’s online classes – a pen tablet. It is working really well. He seemed very happy with how he conducted the class today. I, on the other hand, had fun drawing with it. I never thought I would enjoy digital drawing as I have always been a pencil and paper girl.

Honestly, even though I enjoy having a good earphone and a pen tablet, I feel the house is getting cluttered with devices. There are wires everywhere. I do not enjoy seeing it. Some time after my exam, I think I will have to spend a week decluttering the house. Have I told you that we do not have a television? It was a conscious decision we had taken to keep us from turning into couch potatoes. Sadly, we have become people who are chained to phones and laptop.

Just 30 more days! Off I go now. Hope you all are safe and happy.

Beautiful clouds in the evening

#Exam Day – 32

I had one class today and post that I have been whiling away my time. The heat is killing me. Especially the evenings when the sun directly hits the room. I think it is the humidity that is causing the trouble. No amount of water is able to quench the thirst. I am hoping for an early monsoon.

My significant other is frustrated as his homemade touch-pen is not helping his online classes. He is looking for a better alternative on which we do not have to spent a lot of money. I think he is frustrated as well with the heat and the classes.

Ohhhhhh, I miss the comfort of nature. I miss being in a home with lots of people. I hope we cross this journey safely. Going back to the chores now.

I am including a song causally sung by my favorite singer Sudeep Palanad. The song depicts the river as a beautiful girl.

Music by: Ravendran
Lyrics: O. N. V. Kurup
Originally sung by: K. J. Yeshudas
Movie: Ente Nandinikuttikku, 1984

#Exam Day – 33

Tough and tired. I have no energy to write a blog but to mark this day let me share a poem.

O Captain! My Captain

(By Walt Whitman)

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

                         But O heart! heart! heart!

                            O the bleeding drops of red,

                               Where on the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.


O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,

For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

                         Here Captain! dear father!

                            This arm beneath your head!

                               It is some dream that on the deck,

                                 You’ve fallen cold and dead.


My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,

The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,

From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;

                         Exult O shores, and ring O bells!

                            But I with mournful tread,

                               Walk the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

All thanks to Poetry Foundation for making poems available to us at our fingertips.