#Exam Day – 10 Miles to go before I sleep

Source: Pinterest

I know I haven’t written anything or read any blog in a long time but it is a conscious choice I have taken in order to concentrate more on the preparation for my exam. I don’t want to write for the sake of writing. I want to experience and savor the joy of doing it.

Less than two weeks left for the judgement day. I am exhausted. As everyday passes by, I feel my energy and motivation is getting drained off. But I have to find a way to keep up. Even if I fail, I need to fail with pride. Hoping to come out of this stronger and better.

While I am on this tough path, let me share a poem with you – ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening’ by Robert Frost.

Whose woods these are I think I know.   
His house is in the village though;   
He will not see me stopping here   
To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   
To stop without a farmhouse near   
Between the woods and frozen lake   
The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   
To ask if there is some mistake.   
The only other sound’s the sweep   
Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   
But I have promises to keep,   
And miles to go before I sleep,   
And miles to go before I sleep.

Take care everyone. Keep Smiling!

Source: Pinterest

#Exam Day – 33

Tough and tired. I have no energy to write a blog but to mark this day let me share a poem.

O Captain! My Captain

(By Walt Whitman)

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

                         But O heart! heart! heart!

                            O the bleeding drops of red,

                               Where on the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.


O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,

For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

                         Here Captain! dear father!

                            This arm beneath your head!

                               It is some dream that on the deck,

                                 You’ve fallen cold and dead.


My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,

The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,

From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;

                         Exult O shores, and ring O bells!

                            But I with mournful tread,

                               Walk the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

All thanks to Poetry Foundation for making poems available to us at our fingertips.

#Exam Day – 34

An experiment with chicken

Yesterday was not a bad beginning. It did not go the way I expected it to but I cannot classify it as a day wasted. Today I have two online class and a few other studying to finish.

My partner was not feeling very well yesterday. He has suddenly become gloomy. I think it is because of all the classes he has started to teach. He is supposed to finish preparations for a series of classes which are happening in a week’s time. But he has been pushing it around which makes me think he might take my help closer to the classes. Those are going to be sleepless nights. I am not ready for that!

I was thinking about my dog yesterday. I wish she were here with me. She knows how to make me laugh.

#Poem I read today

I read this poem long back and today I thought about it while I was having my tea. Let me share it with you.

Source: V&A Collections

Ulysses 

By Alfred, Lord Tennyson

It little profits that an idle king,

By this still hearth, among these barren crags,

Match’d with an aged wife, I mete and dole

Unequal laws unto a savage race,

That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.

I cannot rest from travel: I will drink

Life to the lees: All times I have enjoy’d

Greatly, have suffer’d greatly, both with those

That loved me, and alone, on shore, and when

Thro’ scudding drifts the rainy Hyades

Vext the dim sea: I am become a name;

For always roaming with a hungry heart

Much have I seen and known; cities of men

And manners, climates, councils, governments,

Myself not least, but honour’d of them all;

And drunk delight of battle with my peers,

Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.

I am a part of all that I have met;

Yet all experience is an arch wherethro’

Gleams that untravell’d world whose margin fades

For ever and forever when I move.

How dull it is to pause, to make an end,

To rust unburnish’d, not to shine in use!

As tho’ to breathe were life! Life piled on life

Were all too little, and of one to me

Little remains: but every hour is saved

From that eternal silence, something more,

A bringer of new things; and vile it were

For some three suns to store and hoard myself,

And this gray spirit yearning in desire

To follow knowledge like a sinking star,

Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.


         This is my son, mine own Telemachus,

To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle,—

Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfil

This labour, by slow prudence to make mild

A rugged people, and thro’ soft degrees

Subdue them to the useful and the good.

Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere

Of common duties, decent not to fail

In offices of tenderness, and pay

Meet adoration to my household gods,

When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.


         There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:

There gloom the dark, broad seas. My mariners,

Souls that have toil’d, and wrought, and thought with me—

That ever with a frolic welcome took

The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed

Free hearts, free foreheads—you and I are old;

Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;

Death closes all: but something ere the end,

Some work of noble note, may yet be done,

Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.

The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:

The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep

Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,

‘T is not too late to seek a newer world.

Push off, and sitting well in order smite

The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds

To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths

Of all the western stars, until I die.

It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:

It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,

And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.

Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’

We are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Have fun!

Again!

Source: Pinterest

I have not written anything in 5 days. The reason is simple – lack of motivation. I am a morning person who, these days, has lost sense of time. Sometimes I wake up and get caught up in random things and, before I realise, it is past noon and I have not cooked breakfast or lunch. Getting up from bed in itself has become a task to acheive.

I am so ashamed to keep falling everytime I pick myself up. One day I do well and two days go by with the wind. Everytime I write, I talk about picking myself up and conquering life. Haven’t we seen in movies how people change their life. Take ‘Rocky’ for example, from the day he decides to fight he gets up as soon as the alarm rings and kick starts his life with eggs and push ups. I think I do well too, on the first day. But usually by the second day, I tend to find comfort in bed and somehow my heart convinces me that it doesn’t matter. We all listen to stories and watch movies which fail to project the number of times they failed in achieving something. I do something and I want results right away. The world we are in – two-hour amazon delivery, instant food etc – has made it hard for me to realise how slow we evolve into better human beings. If only life was as easy as the ones in movies.

Life has not been easy. I have been struggling with my issues for 20 years. Twenty years of many failures and few successes. Yes, I failed again. Yes, I will try again, again and again. Eventhough I do not have anything tangible to show as my acheivement, I have had many intangible learnings – I learned to forgive and forget (to a large extent), I learned to acknowledge patience, I learned to be gentle on myself (a lot better than before!) – and I realise I have become a better person than before.

Richard Cory by Edwin Arlington Robinson

I read Richard Cory after a long time. Hmmmmmmm.. sometimes it is just how it is, isn’t it?

Attaching the poem below.

Whenever Richard Cory went down town, 
We people on the pavement looked at him: 
He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 
Clean favored, and imperially slim. 

And he was always quietly arrayed, 
And he was always human when he talked; 
But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 
‘Good-morning,’ and he glittered when he walked. 

And he was rich – yes, richer than a king – 
And admirably schooled in every grace: 
In fine, we thought that he was everything 
To make us wish that we were in his place. 

So on we worked, and waited for the light, 
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

Tug of war

I am almost certainly sure I am getting fat when I breathe. I have been eating normally as far as I can remember – nothing extravagant just normal food. But for some reason I am putting on weight. I was 106 pounds a few months back and now I am 114 pounds without changing anything about my lifestyle. My partner on the other hand eats everything he desires and somehow manage to lose weight! He has never had a reputation to keep it subtle, so he always shows off by saying, “Let’s order a pizza so that I can lose a few more pounds.” I know it is a matter of a few pounds but I just do not want to go through the fitness struggle like when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.

Yesterday I decided that from today onwards I would become a conscious eater. So, as a reward I had 3 cups of sweet and 2 scoops of ice cream yesterday (if you are wondering, no! I do not eat like this every day). Anyway, today as a result of conscious eating I am googling about cheese filled junky delicious delight!

I am including few pictures I was googling.

The song inside my head while googling was ‘I am thinking about you’ by London Beat

(Lyrics from Genius.com)

We must have been stone crazy

When we thought we were just friends

‘Cause I miss you, baby

And I’ve got those feelings again

I guess I’m all confused about you

I feel so in love

Oh, baby, what can I do?



I’ve been thinking about you

I’ve been thinking about you

I’ve been thinking about you

I’ve been thinking about you, shi-pow-pow



Suddenly we’re strangers

I watch you walking away

She was my one temptation

Oh, I did not want her to stay

Deep down, I’m still confused about you

(Oh yes I am baby)

I feel so in love

Oh, baby, what can I do?



I’ve been thinking about you

I’ve been thinking about you

I’ve been thinking about you

I’ve been thinking about you, shi-pow-pow



What good is being here without you? (I wanna know)

I feel so in love

Oh, baby, what can I do?



I’ve been thinking about you

I’ve been thinking about you

I’ve been thinking about you

I’ve been thinking about you, shi-pow-pow



(Oh baby, can’t get you off my mind)

(Think about you all the time)

P.S. Weight is a subjective matter. Before you judge, I am a tiny woman – 153cm in height

Day 1

I am so tired of thinking for a title so I am going to go with ‘Day 1’.

I always want to write something positive in order to spread positivity to the readers. But sometimes my joy jar goes empty. When I look back in life most part of it is filled with loneliness. I remember spending two months of summer vacations inside a room listening to songs and hardly ever leaving it during my school days.

Today I was reading a blog of a fellow blogger about the things you fear which got me into thinking about my fear. Guess what? I am living one. Have I told you I am smart? Yes, I am very smart. I am a very hardworking, talented, organized individual but I am constantly in pain. The more I think about my life, more the agony. I just need to keep working, to keep me distracted from my life. Sometimes I lose the will to live. Depressing!

Today I was looking at my partner’s face. He is another soul who lives his own life. He is keeping himself busy with reading some random articles, news, sports news and videos of some sexy girl doing yoga. Lately, our conversations are always about how sexy someone looks or some viral controversy or the amount of studying left. What happened to the intellectually stimulating conversations? I don’t know!

The list of things to do has also gone down. There are three things we do for fun now. One, go to terrace – which is now crowded by neighbors due to the lockdown. Two, play carrom – which I am bored of playing. Finally, watch a movie – well, who wants to sit in front of a device when that’s all you do throughout the day?

So today after looking at his face for a while, I asked him to talk to me. But as anticipated he had nothing to talk, just like me. My mind was making a buzzing sound indicating inactivity in my mind place. I cannot keep doing this anymore. I am quitting sulking! I am going to figure out ways to colour my life a little bit. I am going to start reading again (if anyone is wondering it is ‘Kim’ by Rudyard Kipling), I have to start painting more and finish my online ‘R’ class.

I am including few illustrations which made me happy today.

Source: Pinterest
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Source: Pinterest

I am also including the song which made me smile – Smile by Jimmy Durante.

https://youtu.be/hDK6X0Nxa8M

Lyrics:

Smile,

Though your heart is achin’

Smile,

Even though it’s breakin’

When there are are clouds in the sky

You’ll get by…

If you smile

Through your fear and sorrow

Smile,

And maybe tomorrow

You’ll see the sun come shinin’ through,

For you…

Light up your face with gladness

Hide, every trace of sadness

Although a tear

may be ever so near

That’s the time, You must keep on tryin’

Smile, what’s the use of cryin’

You’ll find that life is still worth while

If you just smile

If you smile

Through your fear and sorrow

Smile, and maybe tomorrow

You’ll see the sun come shinin’ through

for you…

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear

May be ever so near

That’s the time

You must keep on tryin’

Smile, what’s the use of cryin’

You’ll find that life is still worth while

If you just smile

If you… just smile

P.S. I love my partner so much. We are just stressed due to lockdown and staying inside for five months.

#OCD Diaries 1

Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder has been haunting me from my childhood. It reached its heights when I was diagnosed with depression in 2017. I have been coping with it by taking tiny steps. It is a process – slow growth and continuous struggle. My writing this may help at least one and if it does, I think it will be a bonus.

Source: Google

“Worrying is suffering twice.” – Newt Scamander.

Presently, I am trying to work on one aspect – not letting any incident or thought affect me for long. It is okay to worry and feel sad but, if that advances into a loop and if I tend to constantly wallow in it, that is when it turns into a problem.

In my case, I tend to remember only the sad parts of my early life. Often I relive a past event and make it feel harder by going through the same pain again and again for days, weeks, months and years. I suffer not just twice but multiple times.

The number of things that affect me has significantly gone down but, it is still my vulnerability.

I have had a very tough time with my parents and my sibling for the past couple of years. I have also detoured from my career path for the examination. And you all know what this coronavirus has done to all of us. So, life is a little difficult at the moment which means there are more issues with which to torture myself.

I have to constantly remind myself that certain things are not under my control and I can only make a difference with what I have under my control. The examination is a big pressure on me and the thought about it has tortured me for months. After struggling for long, after scheduling and rescheduling my life and daily plan for the hundredth time, I realised I had to stop at some point. For the past one week, I give my best shot everyday – one day at a time. The days are getting better.

I might slip again but I am sure to pick myself up and try again a little harder next time.

P.S.:- Eventhough it appears seamless, sometimes when I slip, I just end up crying. LOL!

You!

Funny how we humans are! The science of the universe and the mysterious celestial bodies which has never caught the sight of our eyes have gained the seat of trust in our heart. But, I do not know why I keep rubbing my eyes to wake up from the dream I believe to be seeing whenever I am with you.