Tension 1: My Partner.
He is the first person to read my blog. (So when you are reading, hang in there.) It is going to be a rocky ride.
We have been having a rough week. It all started with one particular discussion about something I don’t even remember now. I have never liked when someone raises their voice while talking; in my house we consider that shouting. But in my partner’s house everyone raises their voice while talking; they call it excitement. There are many things I can tolerate but I just do not appreciate talking too loud, especially while arguing. I think I have got this issue as a result of having a very overbearing father and a violent ex-boyfriend. The only two other male characters I was personally associated with in my life. Somehow it makes me feel cornered and my heart starts flapping like a pigeon under attack. My partner and I had agreed earlier that the voice goes down in my house.
But this particular discussion rubbed my partner the wrong way and he felt it a restriction on his personality which he will never give up as it is unique to him. Now, I can understand that; however I am not going to adjust with that, as I think adjustments are essential on both sides if a relationship needs to work. So we took the high road and decided not to talk about it. This resulted in a day or so of weird communication – sudden breaks, crashes and rolls along with a soft touch of sarcasm in every sentence. But time passed, my anger and frustration started fading away and I almost forgot about the fight. I am aware about the need to find a solution without one getting the feeling that they are adjusting way too much for the other. It never ends well; there will be too many disappointments and comparisons.
Tension 2: Marriage and children.
We have been thinking about marriage for a while. Our families really want us to get married as well. But the problem is, I am too scared. It is going well the way it is and I don’t want to spoil anything. After marriage, the next thing is going to be the talk about having a child for which I am not ready. I am too scared of disappointing my children. I don’t want me-blaming-my-parents karma to come back and bite me. My partner too really wants us to get married and I keep saying next year.
Tension 3: I am not getting a job.
Honestly, I am a smart, hard working and good willed person. Development Economics and research is my area. I always feel like I am born to do that. I am not trying to work for the sake of working but for a greater cause. I just need a footing and somewhere to hold so that I can climb up the ladder and achieve in my life. The problem with a populous country is that all recruiters try to eliminate people in the initial stages with tests and I happen to be the worst at the kind of generic tests they conduct. So it is only through individuals that I can climb up the ladder but no one has thrown me any rope yet; not even an internship. You know how hard it is to compete against a well spoken, Instagram star or YouTuber who is half as fit and qualified as I am? (Just trying to create a stereotype about the socially active extroverts stealing my thunder!)
Tension 4: Change in partner’s work.
My partner has been teaching his students from home since the lockdown started. But from next week he has to go to the academy and take class in front of empty chairs. The academy feels that students (who are sitting in their houses connected to their computer) prefer teachers to go to academy and take online classes from there as it gives them a feeling of being in a classroom. So next week onwards he has to take classes for empty chairs while someone else controls the system for him. He hates it. I know he loves being in control of the system- talking to students and reading the queries and comments and cracking jokes about it – but now it is going to be different. Also, now I have to wake up early to cook and pack his food as cooking is my department.
Tension 5: New laptop.
We have only one laptop at home and we are thinking about buying a new one as we are constantly in a tug of war for the laptop we have. I do not get to write, attend online classes or hunt for a job when he is busy taking class with the laptop. There goes 6 hours in a day. And this has become my new excuse for why I do not do my things. I am now onto reading a series of books blaming everything on the computer. Also, I do not use mobile phones much. I don’t like them.
Tension 6: Deteriorating health and weight gain.
I do not exercise. I haven’t done a medical checkup for a long time and I order in more than I cook. Even though I do not look very different, I have gained 5kg and feel very unhealthy and tired all the time. I am under a lot of stress as well. More than anything else I don’t feel good about myself.
I so badly want to climb a mountain, camp and dip my face in fresh running water. I want to roll on the grass like a dog gone mad. I just want to lie down under the sky quietly for hours and hours.
I need a change! (I don’t like change which I do not approve)
To lighten the mood, let me share something fun: https://youtu.be/UY7GovG_w1c