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I have not written anything in 5 days. The reason is simple – lack of motivation. I am a morning person who, these days, has lost sense of time. Sometimes I wake up and get caught up in random things and, before I realise, it is past noon and I have not cooked breakfast or lunch. Getting up from bed in itself has become a task to acheive.

I am so ashamed to keep falling everytime I pick myself up. One day I do well and two days go by with the wind. Everytime I write, I talk about picking myself up and conquering life. Haven’t we seen in movies how people change their life. Take ‘Rocky’ for example, from the day he decides to fight he gets up as soon as the alarm rings and kick starts his life with eggs and push ups. I think I do well too, on the first day. But usually by the second day, I tend to find comfort in bed and somehow my heart convinces me that it doesn’t matter. We all listen to stories and watch movies which fail to project the number of times they failed in achieving something. I do something and I want results right away. The world we are in – two-hour amazon delivery, instant food etc – has made it hard for me to realise how slow we evolve into better human beings. If only life was as easy as the ones in movies.

Life has not been easy. I have been struggling with my issues for 20 years. Twenty years of many failures and few successes. Yes, I failed again. Yes, I will try again, again and again. Eventhough I do not have anything tangible to show as my acheivement, I have had many intangible learnings – I learned to forgive and forget (to a large extent), I learned to acknowledge patience, I learned to be gentle on myself (a lot better than before!) – and I realise I have become a better person than before.

24 thoughts on “Again!

  1. Every day you get out of bed is a good day. When we struggle with depression or the wieght of a heavy burden it can take it’s toll on us, wear us down. We can’t alwasy pick ourselves up by ourselves, sometimes we need help. Have you talked with someone like a therapist or you GP about your depression and lack of motivation? It’s imporatant to get under the root issue in order to start charting your path. Have a great day.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I did have a therapist a few years back. I did not find it very useful. Post the sessions I ventured out on a journey of my own and it made the situation better. These days the lockdown and having to sit at home without a job took a toll on me.
      I am hoping for this phase to end by October first week (after the exam I am writing) as I will have a better picture of where I am heading.
      You may know, OCD is not something that has a cure but something I have to work around. I am sure there will be struggles but I am hopeful of finding someway.
      Thank you so much😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Covid has made things worse for sure and losing your job doesn’t help. OCD doesn’t have a cure, neither does mental illness but therapy can help, don’t give up on it completely. We do still have to work on ourself every day. Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi SBM, Thanks for visiting and following my blog. I’m honored. You have an open heart to go along with your struggles. COVID has been difficult for everyone, some more than others, but the aloneness and lack of movement exacerbates depression. A friend has been seeing a therapist for depression for nearly ten years now after refusing to see one when she was young and almost committing suicide. This lovely therapist has become almost part of our friend’s family. The therapist was the first to know when she was scammed and sent her right to the police and to the bank to stop the ongoing damage. Our friend runs all important decisions through her first. Many, many of us have seen a therapist at some time in our lives. If you find a friend in your area who has had therapy, ask them for a referral. Even if that therapist doesn’t work out, they may be able to recommend someone else. A good therapist can be a great help. πŸ™‚

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