I have always set myself high standards. I never give myslef any leeway to slack or perform anything less than brilliant.
I had been waking up at 6 a.m. every single morning irrespective of the time I sleep. As a result, I was almost always tired and sleepy during the day. Fortunately/Unfortunately for the past two days I have been waking up late. Today morning when the alarm rang at 6!, my mind kept telling me to wake up and start the day. It kept reinforcing that I cannot be sleeping and I should be working.
However, some other part of my mind said, I am not going to be hard on myself. I need to sleep and rest well. Just because I had an extra hour of sleep, it is not going to make my day any less productive or special. I can still have a good day. I shouldn’t be hard on myself. After all I am the only one who can take care of myself.
Is this an excuse to sleep late? I don’t know. But I support myself and I am going to make sure I have a good day!
Yes! I was away for a very long time now. Initially I did not want to push myself into writing and convinced myself of writing only when I wanted to but it took me sometime to realize that if I do not write, it is just going to fade away.
Why do I only remember the terrible things that happened over the past few months? I think I can write the next thirty blogs on the miseries of my life. I am not going to dwell on that. Let’s just put that on hold for now. Let me tell you all the incredible parts of my life.
Mr.K, my puppy, is 8 months old now. He growing into a smart young pup. I have not met one person who doesn’t like him. The only thing that bothers me now is his over-smartness. He acts like a thug, who smirks and says, ‘What is in it for me?’. If he gets nothing then he goes into selective deafness. I sometimes wonder if I am rasing a cat in a dog’s body. However, I must tell you, no matter what he does, he is the one who puts a smile on my face every single day.
Also, I resigned my job around 20 days back due to mental health issues. Don’t feel sorry. I am happy with my decision. I am having fun now. I started practicing yoga, I garden passionately and I am preparing for my Ph.D. Things are getting better now. I try not to worry about anything because couple of days, weeks, months or years later it won’t even matter to me.
I am going to stay alone for nearly a month and I am unable to identify my feelings. My partner went to stay with his parents for few days leaving me alone in this house. Since I have a job and many other things to work on, I thought it is going to be a seamless experience. But there is something about being alone, isn’t there?
After a point, you hear everything louder. All your senses are always alert. You become more responsible than before. Is it a good thing or bad? I don’t know. Sometimes I like to keep playing some series to get a feeling of someone always being around. I just want to keep calling someone whenever I want to speak. I wish I could talk to my mother like that. I wish my puppy could talk.
Anyways wrapping up this thought for now. I have music class today. I hope all of you are safe. Thanks for reading.
I got my first dose of Covid vaccine a few days back. I had all possible side effects to the vaccine – fever, headache, body pain etc. I am very glad that I got the vaccine though. I am grateful that I got a slot and I could afford it. May be this is one step closer to ending this pandemic.
There is something that kept disturbing me throughout the past few days. It is the feeling that I am unhealthy. I was exhausted and even after a few days I feel my body is giving up on me. My muscles are weak and my lifestyle is terrible. This could probably be a reflection of my discomfort with my lifestyle. Anyhow, the key points here are to realize and start doing something differently. I might have to push hard to build a habit and make a change.
Yesterday when Sa and I were watching a movie and admiring the talent of the actor we got to a discussion on achieving excellence at what we do. Like always I got so pumped up and started talking about how much more I should work hard to reach excellence. But Sa kept quiet. His silence probed me into asking, ‘Don’t you feel so inspired?’ He said, ‘No’. When I wanted to know more about his inspiration he told me that his inspiration comes from within.
When I thought about it, in our entire relationship I have never seen him do anything he didn’t want to do. I have never seen him say, ‘Oh my God, this is amazing! I want to try something like this!’. There has to be something in his life that was inspired from someone or something. Where is his fire? Passion? Motivation? Now I wonder if I am with an Alien!
I am yearning for a change. I am looking forward to shift to a new place. This time probably to a place away from city. I don’t want to live in a place where I have to wipe the dust and pollution off the table before I sit down to write.
When I first moved to the last place I stayed I saw a beautiful fog covered evening but it was only later I realized it was smog, not fog! The apartment was next to a hospital and it always had the noise of air conditioners. I still remember the day I enjoyed the silence when there was a power cut. I had never realized how calming silence could be.
I wish for the new house to be slightly bigger so that Mr. Ku (my puppy) can run around a bit more. My partner and I wouldn’t have so much problem fighting over the study table or chair. Oh! I want windows. Lots of windows. I want sunlight and fresh air coming in from all directions. The present kitchen does not have any ventilation. May be if I have more windows I might not sweat head to toe while cooking.
By the fourth paragraph of this article, I realize it doesn’t matter. There is going to be something missing, something better, something inadequate all the time – even when I have everything. I am happy and thankful for what I have and I should have no complaints. But if I do get that better place I am talking about, I will let you guys know. Anyways, at the end of the day the most comfortable place we are going to have is the six feet cabin called a coffin. Everything else is a place we rent to make and share some memories, isn’t it?
I have a small tomato plant in my garden. Few weeks back when I brought her home, she did not manage to cope with the new environment very well. I thought she was dead until I saw someone peeping through the soil. My little Phoenix girl was back to life again.
She flowered and now has many tiny baby fruits on her. I have been watching for past one week to notice the growth of the fruits but nothing significant yet. It is going to take some more time I guess.
Moving to another topic now. My recent discovery about myself has been that I cannot live without chasing something. I want to pursue something constantly – small or big, it doesn’t matter. Something that makes me a little better, something that makes a little stronger, something that makes me a little happier than yesterday. So as a part of my Sunday ritual, I am creating a list of short-term goals I am going to achieve. Do you have any short-term goal in your mind?
I have been running along my new work life and parent life. It is crazy how time flies. It has already been 3 months! Since I wrote something for myself. I realize it is not a good habit to forget oneself but everyone has that phase where you lose track of your path.. Don’t you think so?
It’s lockdown here again. I am working from home and my music classes are going really well. I have many more stories to tell and many more interesting realization. I hope and pray I grow a little wiser everyday. Let me share with you some interesting pictures of my little baby.
Now it feels different to write something unrelated to work after a very long time. It has been a very interesting journey so far. I hope this piece of the blog helps people who are struggling with depression, anxiety or any form of mental disturbances.
Many of you know that I had a very rough one and a half years. I had severe anxiety issues, my life was not getting anywhere, then it got better, then it got worse blah blah blah… But in the second week of February, I did an entire medical check-up and started having vitamin pills for my deficiencies. Especially my Vit D deficiency. Let me tell you, I feel much better now. I am not as moody as I used to be and I can push myself up whenever I feel low. If you are feeling gloomy especially during the lockdown, please get your regular medical checkup done and take care of your health. Sometimes it is just as simple as a vitamin deficiency and we end up struggling so muc
I know I haven’t written anything much in the last few months. It is not that I didn’t want to write but I only had sad negative things to write about. I did not want to spread those feelings across my fellow bloggers. Sometimes you want to be happy and positive but all you can think about are negative sad things and I think that is normal. It is just phases that all of us go through.