Funny how we humans are! The science of the universe and the mysterious celestial bodies which has never caught the sight of our eyes have gained the seat of trust in our heart. But, I do not know why I keep rubbing my eyes to wake up from the dream I believe to be seeing whenever I am with you.
I have had long thoughts about the place where I want to settle, the kind of home in which I want to raise my children, the place where I want to grow old. Some people always find attachment to where they were born and think about settling down there when they get old. But in my case, I have always thought about choosing my own place, like a nomad who decides to settle down.
There has never been just one place for me. I keep moving with time. I do not have a particular group of friends. I just keep meeting people, share a part of my life with them and move on. Nothing so far has really bound me to a place. I am just a temporary resident in this big, wide world for now.
My partner, on the other hand. claims he is never bound to any place but, in reality, longs to be in his house (Remember the lake from my previous post?). It has started to rain there these days. The regular photo updates from his brother makes him miss the weather, his mom’s food and the comfort of his home. May be I should ask him to write about his house and how it is to be with his family!
Today, I was going through my Pinterest account and was looking at the home ideas I have been collating for a long time. Mine, always, was somewhere in a cool hilly region; an old elegant French cottage with a big lawn in the front. But now I do not desire that anymore. Now I am thinking about going back to my partner’s village and start farming for a living after I have explored my life and talent for some time. It is a beautiful place to live, good soil, uncorrupted by the so-called ‘Development’. The world is in need of good farmers and people to take care of its nature.
The exciting part is, for some reason, with time, I have started to desire and yearn for simple things. When I was younger, I wanted to be like Alexander the Great or Leonardo da Vinci but for some reason the experiences in life have detoured my journey. When the world is going forward, I think I have taken a U-turn and am running my race backwards. I might be falling behind the world but this is my journey, mine alone; I get to decide which way is backward and which forward.
Today, I received a notification for the Liebster Award from http://awayfromthemaddingcrowdblog.wordpress.com/ , who blogs with words everyone can empathise and melt into. Thank you so much you ‘closet writer’, I am honoured to be nominated.
The Rules:
Questions and My Answers:
Blogging is a platform for me to express my emotions and share my experiences. I did not want to be judged by my name, place, race, religion. I wanted to be completely anonymous. So I named it after the secret name by which my partner addresses me – Cheeks. The Peaks of Cheeks.
Also, if you have ever watched SpongeBob SquarePants (one of my favourite shows!), there is a very interesting Texian Squirrel named Sandy Cheeks. It was just perfect. The name just clicked.
I have always been a recluse. It is very difficult for me to express emotions. Once when I was upset and words struggled to come out of my mouth, I wrote my feelings to my partner. It is he who discovered I can write and motivated me to write more. On the 7th of July 2020, I decided to start a blog – not just to write but to learn how differently people express their views, life, emotions, pain, grief, humour and every possible thing one can imagine.
There are three colours between which I keep switching. White, grey and black. Since the question demands one colour, I am going to stick with white. White is the hardest colour to maintain. When you wear a white dress and go out, you have to be extra careful while eating, drinking, sitting or even leaning. One stain and the dress is as good as done! No one will notice the beautiful white dress but just the stain on it. Our character is also the same. Being good, kind and considerate all the time is very difficult. We have to adjust and sometimes even sacrifice for the greater good. It is very easy to raise hand on a weak soul, shout at the waiter who spilled a coffee, dump all the garbage on someone else and not care about anything. But it is difficult to be good. The colour white is your goodness.
I do not have any favourite superhero even though I give company to my partner in watching Marvel and DC movies. But if I absolutely have to pick a superhero, I would pick Batman. He has not been bit by anything or injected with anything. He is just a normal human being (other than his seemingly endless wealth) with his heart seeking justice, and in a league of his own!
There are many movies and series I love watching. Different types in different languages for different moods. Nothing in particular. May be I can share the last movie I watched – Baby Driver, a Hollywood flick. Why did I like it? Because it was fun!
This might sound crazy but my way of de-stress is to crawl on a very comfortable bed, turn myself into a burrito with the room in perfect temperature. I like to play some interesting series or movie on TV till I doze off.
There is no preparation per se. I lay down on my couch, stare at the wall wondering what to write. I try to recollect the day or some memory of mine. When I go in a loop about a thought or emotion, I put it down in the computer.
I think I belong to ‘Jack of all trades; master of none’ category. I love doing many things. But to name a few: I sing, draw, paint, read and cook. Besides that, I always love to travel and trek. Gardening is something I have always wanted to, but yet to, explore.
Oh, this could take up numerous blogs! It is just not one place but many that I wish to visit. I have a folder full of places to which I want to travel, starting from Swiss Alps (Roger Federer’s country), Altai in Russia, Kiso valley in Japan, Sapa in Vietnam, Living root bridge in India and the list goes on.
I was heartbroken when my grandmother passed away. As I mentioned earlier, I was never much of a talker. I regretted every moment, after she passed away, for not letting her know how much I love her. I wish I were kinder to her but my teenage brain took control over me.
To answer your second part. I do not know how I moved on. I remember crying and wallowing in guilt. Time did a lot of healing, I guess. But I did learn from my pain. I have become a better human being than I was before.
I do not believe in soulmate. It is too much pressure and expectation on one person, don’t you think?
I remember looking at my partner and thinking, ‘He is an ass sometimes, but I think I can tolerate him.’ There was always that initial attraction but beyond that it is compatibility and the willingness to tolerate and adjust to each other’s faults. Any two people can come together and live a long, happy life if both have the heart to accept and adjust.
My Nominations:
https://schingle.wordpress.com/
https://thatcitygirlph.wordpress.com/
https://myinkimpressions.wordpress.com/
https://usawrites.wordpress.com/
My questions for the nominees:
Today was supposed to be another new-normal day. But, nature decided to wave its wand.
Late in the evening, I heard some rat-tat on the window near my balcony. When I opened the balcony door, a cold breeze with rain brushed across my cheeks. Oh my God! I was yearning for a good rain for a really long time and finally it was here. It only rained for 15-20 minutes, but that made all the difference for me.
I have always closely associated myself with nature. Going out to be with nature, looking at the clouds move, watching the birds rush to their homes in the evening – these have always been the best memories of mine.
I believe, I inherited these traits from my mother. She always treats our plants with so much love and care. I vividly remember an evening in my childhood; I was plucking out flowers for fun. On seeing this, my mother taught me not to disturb them while they were sleeping. I was moved by what she told me and how she thinks about them. I have always wondered at how considerate she has always been to everything around her!
Back to the present, there is a big relief to the heat now. My mind and body feel cool. I am starting to feel hope. Once this lockdown is over, a long ride or a change in environment is the first thing to which I am looking forward. I hope! I hope!
I close my eyes and I draw darkness from all around. Everything around me goes quiet. I finally unite with breath and heartbeat. We are on an endless journey to nowhere. I don’t feel the pain anymore; everything goes numb. I am wandering in uncertainty – aimless and frantic.
I open my eyes and darkness is flipped to light like pages in a book. I am fighting a war; I cannot stop; I cannot rest. I need to keep moving. But why? I do not know, but I must. Everything looks so endless. I am exhausted and I am in agony. Something keeps pulling me to darkness. Every time I blink it is the incessant transition between the two worlds I live in. I am now stuck in this excruciating cycle of life. I want to scream my lungs out to break the chains and fly.
Liberation, you seductress, I am coming for you.
There are 64 days to October 4. I kept my life on hold two years back for a national-level exam I will be writing on October 4th (in case you are wondering, it is the Civil Services Exam). My partner, who is also preparing, is juggling his job and exam preparation to keep our life moving. This COVID situation has only made our situation worse. The uncertainty and endless preparation have started to make me question my life choices.
The last time I studied something was on 16th of July. I cannot believe it is already August. Obsessive thoughts and anxiety due to the lockdown are getting worse each day. I hope reading and writing helps me to push through this situation. Every day I try to be more hopeful and better than before, but I do not feel any change in me or my life. Maybe there is change and it is incremental. I hope to realize it somewhere down the line. For now though, it feels like everything has come to a standstill; emptiness and silence sweeping inside me like a soft wave. Time keeps slipping away like sand under my feet.
I realize it is just a phase in life. I know even this shall pass! So keeping everything aside, I played carrom with my partner today. I did lose the series (1 match to 2) but I have improved significantly. It was fun watching him trying to say I did well with his smug victory-face, LOL! I also watched a movie and read quite a few articles.
Now I am thinking about an old poem by Douglas Malloch which I read as a child –
Be the Best of Whatever You Are
If you can’t be a pine on the top of the hill,
Be a scrub in the valley — but be
The best little scrub by the side of the rill;
Be a bush if you can’t be a tree.
If you can’t be a bush be a bit of the grass,
And some highway happier make;
If you can’t be a muskie then just be a bass
But the liveliest bass in the lake!
We can’t all be captains, we’ve got to be crew,
There’s something for all of us here,
There’s big work to do, and there’s lesser to do,
And the task you must do is the near.
If you can’t be a highway then just be a trail,
If you can’t be the sun be a star;
It isn’t by size that you win or you fail
Be the best of whatever you are!
So, today a dear friend of mine surprised me with free lunch (if you are wondering, it was biryani). So in return I expressed my gratitude with a small drawing. The drawing was inspirational and not my original work. I think I did a good job.
I feel extremely blessed to be remembered by someone today.
I started with a self discovering, diciplined life streak 134 days ago.The streak I have achieved so far is ‘coming up with a new streak’. So far, I have had, 175 days streak, 150 days streak, 140, 120, 100, 75 and 70. Now I am in a 65 days streak target. The funny thing about it is, even if I feel like starting it on a random day at a random time, I keep putting it out for a day divisible by 5 ( because.. you know.. that’s only right!) And to start fresh in the morning. Because, as the saying goes, everyday is a new beginning.
The last time I went out of the house was on 12th March 2020, a few days before the lock down began. That is close to four months now. You must be wondering why I did not step out of the house. The reason is the place I live. It is a small, tightly packed street with nearly 500 families. There is no parking facility so we have only one two wheeler. The government regulations are such that only one person can travel in a two wheeler. Now what will a poor girl who doesn’t know driving do! So yeah, my mobility is completely restricted.
As I am in a live-in relationship in a conservative environment, I haven’t been able to make any companions around my flat (or house? Hard to define) to talk to – a basic need of any social living being. The only place I used to go to was the terrace, every evening, to get some air and sunlight. Unfortunately, the family living on the adjacent terrace tested COVID positive a week ago. So the terrace, which was the one ray of freedom, got shut on my face. Now it is just the four walls and me.
I have always had many emotional struggles as a child but one of the most recent struggles was in 2016 when I was diagnosed to have chronic depression with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I have been fighting it for many years but now there is a new member to my list of friends – “Paranoia” (Dun Dun Duun!!). The fear of failing, falling sick.. and weirdly every time we get grocery I feel I have welcomed flesh eating scarab from ‘Mummy’ into my house – ‘valadhu kaal vaithu vaarungal!’.
