I lost a piece of my soul!

My soul got ripped away from me. I received the news today that my dog, my baby, died five days ago. She came to me as a tiny puppy and remained with me for nearly 10 years. She was the most kind, loving, understanding and brave life I have ever known. She was my rock whenever I was down. She was my partner in all the mischiefs at home. She was the reason I kept going back home.

I remember her running towards me, more like rolling towards me, whenever I went home. She was always thrilled to see me and be in my presence. Somehow, I know she felt safe in my presence, especially when she was sleeping on top of me like a baby. I remember my baby, who was one tenth of my size, always walked with me like a bodyguard. She always walked with pride. She was the one person who was so proud about who I truly am and loved me for the same.

Apparently, she was killed by some stranger who came to steal our fish. I know she put up a fight. I know she defended the family. I know she was a warrior. But for me she will always be my tiny little baby. My baby! My piece of soul. She will forever, till my last breath, be remembered and loved. No one can ever replace her in my heart.

Life has changed so much!

#life #miracle #happymoments #hope

If you remember my last few posts you know that I was going through a really tough time in life. I did not clear my examination; I was losing hope of getting a job and the lockdown had a terrible effect on me. I was left praying for some miracle to happen. Well, a miracle did happen – on 31^st December 2020 in the form of an interview after which, on the same day, I was confirmed for the job. I entered 2021 not as a jobless woman but as an Economics Researcher!

But life cannot be as easy as that, can it! Three days after the interview I received another email saying there was some complication in finishing my paper work and I had to attend another interview, this time with the Director of the institute. As I read the mail, I couldn’t stop sobbing. I felt like a child whose candy was snatched away. I was constantly worried about telling my mother about the uncertainty with respect to my job. She was rejoicing in my success and I did not want to rip her off the joy. By the next day I got myself under control and started preparing for anything that was to come my way. Later that week I attended the interview and got through it successfully as well. Now, I have completed one week of my work. Hooray!

I also went for a trip with my partner this weekend, that is something I have not done in a very long time. A lot of things which we have been struggling with has come to an end and everything finally feels new. It is a new journey ahead and I am terrified of it. But that is how we grow and that is how the seasons change.

Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis!

My definition

No one and nothing can define me. You cannot even touch my spirit.

Missing You

From Pinterest

I am flying like a milkweed in the reality I call life. I am here but not here. My body is trapped in reality but my soul belongs somewhere else. Even when I am sound asleep I keep stretching my arm to make sure you are next to me. I keep walking around trying to recollect the troubled thought in my head and it always directs me towards your absence. I am sinking, I feel like crying, I wish you were with me but I will never pull you while I am drowning. I am here but never here.

I am going home!

From Pinterest

I am going home tomorrow. My partner, along with his brother in their car, is dropping me at my parents’ house for a week’s stay. I can’t believe it has been a year since I last went home. I don’t know if it is because I haven’t seen them in such a long time that I don’t want to be with them. This feeling is nothing new though. I can recollect two instances when I wanted to be with them but it is just the two.

I do not want to encounter any of my other family friends or relatives for whom I will have to put a fake smile and answer as if my life is great. I do not want to smile and portray myself as a strong daughter because the truth is I am weak and vulnerable, and I am handling way too many things than I possibly can. I do not want them to tell me what is right, what they want me to do, what a mistake I am, who I am or something similar which is emotionally burdening.

I am taking a lot of books with me as it gives me a hope of escaping from all the conversations I might have to make. I do not yearn for any food or comfort that the home might give me. I just want to be myself without having to hide and worry about others. I know myself better and I want to live my life on my own terms but somehow I still shake like a little girl when my parents ask me questions.

Why am I still going home? Because my parents are old and my mom is lonely. May be I can make their life a little happier. It is just a once-in-a-year event. May be I can do that for them!

Don’t be afraid of the dark by Ruskin Bond

From Pinterest

Don’t be afraid of the dark, little one,

The earth must rest when the day is done.

The sun must be harsh, but moonlight – never!

And those stars will be shining forever and ever,

Be friends with the Night, there is nothing to fear,

Just let your thoughts travel to friends far and near.

By day, it does seem that our troubles won’t cease,

But at night, late at night, the world is at peace.

A Lie!

From Pinterest

My life has turned into a lie; a play I have created with my imagination. But I do not realise when it turned into a nightmare – the nightmare in which I am trapped for ever. I keep running in all directions in search of a door through with I can escape from the misery. I am finally in the middle of the ocean which has merged with the oceans in all directions. Drowning! That is the only path I see now.

Things that are driving me crazy these days!

Tension 1: My Partner.

He is the first person to read my blog. (So when you are reading, hang in there.) It is going to be a rocky ride.

We have been having a rough week. It all started with one particular discussion about something I don’t even remember now. I have never liked when someone raises their voice while talking; in my house we consider that shouting. But in my partner’s house everyone raises their voice while talking; they call it excitement. There are many things I can tolerate but I just do not appreciate talking too loud, especially while arguing. I think I have got this issue as a result of having a very overbearing father and a violent ex-boyfriend. The only two other male characters I was personally associated with in my life. Somehow it makes me feel cornered and my heart starts flapping like a pigeon under attack. My partner and I had agreed earlier that the voice goes down in my house.
But this particular discussion rubbed my partner the wrong way and he felt it a restriction on his personality which he will never give up as it is unique to him. Now, I can understand that; however I am not going to adjust with that, as I think adjustments are essential on both sides if a relationship needs to work. So we took the high road and decided not to talk about it. This resulted in a day or so of weird communication – sudden breaks, crashes and rolls along with a soft touch of sarcasm in every sentence. But time passed, my anger and frustration started fading away and I almost forgot about the fight. I am aware about the need to find a solution without one getting the feeling that they are adjusting way too much for the other. It never ends well; there will be too many disappointments and comparisons.

Tension 2: Marriage and children.

We have been thinking about marriage for a while. Our families really want us to get married as well. But the problem is, I am too scared. It is going well the way it is and I don’t want to spoil anything. After marriage, the next thing is going to be the talk about having a child for which I am not ready. I am too scared of disappointing my children. I don’t want me-blaming-my-parents karma to come back and bite me. My partner too really wants us to get married and I keep saying next year.

Tension 3: I am not getting a job.

Honestly, I am a smart, hard working and good willed person. Development Economics and research is my area. I always feel like I am born to do that. I am not trying to work for the sake of working but for a greater cause. I just need a footing and somewhere to hold so that I can climb up the ladder and achieve in my life. The problem with a populous country is that all recruiters try to eliminate people in the initial stages with tests and I happen to be the worst at the kind of generic tests they conduct. So it is only through individuals that I can climb up the ladder but no one has thrown me any rope yet; not even an internship. You know how hard it is to compete against a well spoken, Instagram star or YouTuber who is half as fit and qualified as I am? (Just trying to create a stereotype about the socially active extroverts stealing my thunder!)

Tension 4: Change in partner’s work.

My partner has been teaching his students from home since the lockdown started. But from next week he has to go to the academy and take class in front of empty chairs. The academy feels that students (who are sitting in their houses connected to their computer) prefer teachers to go to academy and take online classes from there as it gives them a feeling of being in a classroom. So next week onwards he has to take classes for empty chairs while someone else controls the system for him. He hates it. I know he loves being in control of the system- talking to students and reading the queries and comments and cracking jokes about it – but now it is going to be different. Also, now I have to wake up early to cook and pack his food as cooking is my department.

Tension 5: New laptop.

We have only one laptop at home and we are thinking about buying a new one as we are constantly in a tug of war for the laptop we have. I do not get to write, attend online classes or hunt for a job when he is busy taking class with the laptop. There goes 6 hours in a day. And this has become my new excuse for why I do not do my things. I am now onto reading a series of books blaming everything on the computer. Also, I do not use mobile phones much. I don’t like them.

Tension 6: Deteriorating health and weight gain.

I do not exercise. I haven’t done a medical checkup for a long time and I order in more than I cook. Even though I do not look very different, I have gained 5kg and feel very unhealthy and tired all the time. I am under a lot of stress as well. More than anything else I don’t feel good about myself.

I so badly want to climb a mountain, camp and dip my face in fresh running water. I want to roll on the grass like a dog gone mad. I just want to lie down under the sky quietly for hours and hours.

I need a change! (I don’t like change which I do not approve)

To lighten the mood, let me share something fun: https://youtu.be/UY7GovG_w1c

Difficulty in Living

Credit: kelogsloops

As many of you know, neither did I have a pleasant childhood nor am I having a pleasant adulthood. Even while keeping external factors aside, I was too matured for my childhood and feel too tired for my adulthood. I am pretty happy with one segment of my life – my life with my partner, but everything else is very complicated.

In my childhood, when life got very difficult to cope with, I developed a technique to deal with it. Initially, I used to close my eyes and pray that I get teleported to some place else, like Hobbiton or to the world of Da Vinci or somewhere else which fancied me then. Later when I realized I might never get teleported, I started using the power of my imagination. I made up everything around me like the place I wanted to be in, including people. I used to live in the imaginations to the extent that one day I realized that I forgot my mother’s face. I did all my daily chores and works in my imaginary world, and suddenly it did not feel very difficult.

This kept happening for years and I was able to quickly switch to and from these imaginary world until one day I did not want to anymore. I started yearning for the imaginary world and did not want to live in the present world. That’s when I realized I need to snap out of it and stop being a coward. Since then it has been a constant struggle. Now when I am dull or bored, I listen to a couple of songs and swim through all the imaginary world in my head, and I move on with my life when I pull out those earphones from my ear.

Unfortunately something started happening since yesterday. I have started zoning out to my imaginary worlds while I am talking to others or while I am working. I think it has to do with my reluctance to accept the reality and a fear of failure. But today I have decided to stop being so scared of my realities and tackle everything that comes in my way.

Some of you might think that I am truly fucked up (pardon my language!). But the truth is everything that has happened to me has only made me the strongest person I have ever come across. I know I have slipped more than I picked myself up but as long as I keep picking myself up, I do not care about the slips.

On a completely different note, I have three more plants in my balcony now. Yay!

In Search of Inspiration

As you may know, I have taken a new path in my life, I haven’t quite figured it yet, but I am in need of an inspiration. I am trying to do a lot of fun things such as painting, writing, watching series, watching cloud etc. A few days ago, I came across a series called ‘Grace and Frankie’. I must say, I am loving it! I am especially in love with Frankie as she is a fun, loving, hopeful and creative person. She is weird but soulful – a unique character indeed.

While on the topic of Frankie, I have been wanting to open myself to new experiences and experiments. But I do not know where and how to begin. It is very confusing for me. I need to find something in which I can actually be with human beings. I need some social circle which I sadly do not have as of now. What is open these days? What is safe? I do not know and I have no clue how to find it out as well.

Moving to the serious matter of finding a job, I have only applied for one job so far as my partner suggested that I needed to calm down and stop panicking. Now I am too calm and borderline lazy. So my job hunt is clinging on a cliff. I must tell you, this uncertainty is a funny experience. It makes my nerves tingle. But it is okay, one step at a time!

Talking of new beginnings, I am very excited about the new hashtag setting in WordPress. Initially I thought it was just a funny way of writing but I have come to realize it is some sort of a trend tagging mechanism. I did try using it previously, taking inspiration from a fellow blogger, but clearly I did not understand its purpose. Anyway I discovered now that using this hashtag I can read more varieties of articles. #Fun! ‘Wink’ ‘wink’ you see what I did there?

I hope everyone is safe. Keep smiling!

Grace and Frankie