What is it with living alone?

I am going to stay alone for nearly a month and I am unable to identify my feelings. My partner went to stay with his parents for few days leaving me alone in this house. Since I have a job and many other things to work on, I thought it is going to be a seamless experience. But there is something about being alone, isn’t there?

After a point, you hear everything louder. All your senses are always alert. You become more responsible than before. Is it a good thing or bad? I don’t know. Sometimes I like to keep playing some series to get a feeling of someone always being around. I just want to keep calling someone whenever I want to speak. I wish I could talk to my mother like that. I wish my puppy could talk.

Anyways wrapping up this thought for now. I have music class today. I hope all of you are safe. Thanks for reading.

How do I feel after Covid-19 vaccination?

I got my first dose of Covid vaccine a few days back. I had all possible side effects to the vaccine – fever, headache, body pain etc. I am very glad that I got the vaccine though. I am grateful that I got a slot and I could afford it. May be this is one step closer to ending this pandemic.

There is something that kept disturbing me throughout the past few days. It is the feeling that I am unhealthy. I was exhausted and even after a few days I feel my body is giving up on me. My muscles are weak and my lifestyle is terrible. This could probably be a reflection of my discomfort with my lifestyle. Anyhow, the key points here are to realize and start doing something differently. I might have to push hard to build a habit and make a change.

I don’t understand my partner

Yesterday when Sa and I were watching a movie and admiring the talent of the actor we got to a discussion on achieving excellence at what we do. Like always I got so pumped up and started talking about how much more I should work hard to reach excellence. But Sa kept quiet. His silence probed me into asking, ‘Don’t you feel so inspired?’ He said, ‘No’. When I wanted to know more about his inspiration he told me that his inspiration comes from within.

When I thought about it, in our entire relationship I have never seen him do anything he didn’t want to do. I have never seen him say, ‘Oh my God, this is amazing! I want to try something like this!’. There has to be something in his life that was inspired from someone or something. Where is his fire? Passion? Motivation? Now I wonder if I am with an Alien!

P.S. He claims that’s why he is always happy.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

I am yearning for a change. I am looking forward to shift to a new place. This time probably to a place away from city. I don’t want to live in a place where I have to wipe the dust and pollution off the table before I sit down to write.

When I first moved to the last place I stayed I saw a beautiful fog covered evening but it was only later I realized it was smog, not fog! The apartment was next to a hospital and it always had the noise of air conditioners. I still remember the day I enjoyed the silence when there was a power cut. I had never realized how calming silence could be.

I wish for the new house to be slightly bigger so that Mr. Ku (my puppy) can run around a bit more. My partner and I wouldn’t have so much problem fighting over the study table or chair. Oh! I want windows. Lots of windows. I want sunlight and fresh air coming in from all directions. The present kitchen does not have any ventilation. May be if I have more windows I might not sweat head to toe while cooking.

By the fourth paragraph of this article, I realize it doesn’t matter. There is going to be something missing, something better, something inadequate all the time – even when I have everything. I am happy and thankful for what I have and I should have no complaints. But if I do get that better place I am talking about, I will let you guys know. Anyways, at the end of the day the most comfortable place we are going to have is the six feet cabin called a coffin. Everything else is a place we rent to make and share some memories, isn’t it?

Endless Waiting and Sunday Planning

I have a small tomato plant in my garden. Few weeks back when I brought her home, she did not manage to cope with the new environment very well. I thought she was dead until I saw someone peeping through the soil. My little Phoenix girl was back to life again.

She flowered and now has many tiny baby fruits on her. I have been watching for past one week to notice the growth of the fruits but nothing significant yet. It is going to take some more time I guess.

Moving to another topic now. My recent discovery about myself has been that I cannot live without chasing something. I want to pursue something constantly – small or big, it doesn’t matter. Something that makes me a little better, something that makes a little stronger, something that makes me a little happier than yesterday. So as a part of my Sunday ritual, I am creating a list of short-term goals I am going to achieve. Do you have any short-term goal in your mind?

Running for life

I have been running along my new work life and parent life. It is crazy how time flies. It has already been 3 months! Since I wrote something for myself. I realize it is not a good habit to forget oneself but everyone has that phase where you lose track of your path.. Don’t you think so?

It’s lockdown here again. I am working from home and my music classes are going really well. I have many more stories to tell and many more interesting realization. I hope and pray I grow a little wiser everyday. Let me share with you some interesting pictures of my little baby.

Distractions, Struggles and Peace!

Now it feels different to write something unrelated to work after a very long time. It has been a very interesting journey so far. I hope this piece of the blog helps people who are struggling with depression, anxiety or any form of mental disturbances.

Many of you know that I had a very rough one and a half years. I had severe anxiety issues, my life was not getting anywhere, then it got better, then it got worse blah blah blah… But in the second week of February, I did an entire medical check-up and started having vitamin pills for my deficiencies. Especially my Vit D deficiency. Let me tell you, I feel much better now. I am not as moody as I used to be and I can push myself up whenever I feel low. If you are feeling gloomy especially during the lockdown, please get your regular medical checkup done and take care of your health. Sometimes it is just as simple as a vitamin deficiency and we end up struggling so muc

I know I haven’t written anything much in the last few months. It is not that I didn’t want to write but I only had sad negative things to write about. I did not want to spread those feelings across my fellow bloggers. Sometimes you want to be happy and positive but all you can think about are negative sad things and I think that is normal. It is just phases that all of us go through.

I lost a piece of my soul!

My soul got ripped away from me. I received the news today that my dog, my baby, died five days ago. She came to me as a tiny puppy and remained with me for nearly 10 years. She was the most kind, loving, understanding and brave life I have ever known. She was my rock whenever I was down. She was my partner in all the mischiefs at home. She was the reason I kept going back home.

I remember her running towards me, more like rolling towards me, whenever I went home. She was always thrilled to see me and be in my presence. Somehow, I know she felt safe in my presence, especially when she was sleeping on top of me like a baby. I remember my baby, who was one tenth of my size, always walked with me like a bodyguard. She always walked with pride. She was the one person who was so proud about who I truly am and loved me for the same.

Apparently, she was killed by some stranger who came to steal our fish. I know she put up a fight. I know she defended the family. I know she was a warrior. But for me she will always be my tiny little baby. My baby! My piece of soul. She will forever, till my last breath, be remembered and loved. No one can ever replace her in my heart.

Life has changed so much!

#life #miracle #happymoments #hope

If you remember my last few posts you know that I was going through a really tough time in life. I did not clear my examination; I was losing hope of getting a job and the lockdown had a terrible effect on me. I was left praying for some miracle to happen. Well, a miracle did happen – on 31st December 2020 in the form of an interview after which, on the same day, I was confirmed for the job. I entered 2021 not as a jobless woman but as an Economics Researcher!

But life cannot be as easy as that, can it! Three days after the interview I received another email saying there was some complication in finishing my paper work and I had to attend another interview, this time with the Director of the institute. As I read the mail, I couldn’t stop sobbing. I felt like a child whose candy was snatched away. I was constantly worried about telling my mother about the uncertainty with respect to my job. She was rejoicing in my success and I did not want to rip her off the joy. By the next day I got myself under control and started preparing for anything that was to come my way. Later that week I attended the interview and got through it successfully as well. Now, I have completed one week of my work. Hooray!

I also went for a trip with my partner this weekend, that is something I have not done in a very long time. A lot of things which we have been struggling with has come to an end and everything finally feels new. It is a new journey ahead and I am terrified of it. But that is how we grow and that is how the seasons change.

Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis!